I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
