my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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