Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I need a burrito and a hug.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
