I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
