take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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