I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
