i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
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