in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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