I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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