I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
