i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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