all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
