nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
