Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
