Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
