bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Barsexuality is the new black.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
