He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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