I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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