Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
