did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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