You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
