We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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