apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
this boner is exhausting
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
