My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She even gives head with a lisp.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
