i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
