I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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