Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
