I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize