sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
