went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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