evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize