Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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