I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
