Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
