i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
