I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
