why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
