I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
