I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
