i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Randomize
