I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
My ATM looks so different sober.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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