I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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