sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
