My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
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