i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
