hell yes lets make some ravioli
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
