You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
