I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
