remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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