I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
