Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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