just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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