Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
