If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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