My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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