My nipple is on Facebook.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize